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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Sun Mar 12, 2017 10:14 pm 
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flootzavut wrote:
K9Lasko wrote:
flootzavut wrote:
K9Lasko wrote:
Gibbs: You want to get fucked?
Tony: Go fuck yourself.

Gibbs: You wanna fuck?
Tony: Sure, why not. The Mentalist isn't on for another fifteen minutes.

For some reason, this pair of examples really, really cracked me up.

They should be a WEE prompt. :fly: :waggle:

Since it's a WEE time of year... :evillaugh:

:lol2:

Somebody make these prompts.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2017 9:19 am 
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Chelsea: Or maybe a challenge? ;D ;)

Blue: What makes that better/worse (depending how you look at it) is that said quote is from a Buffy story, so slithering heads are actually possible in that scenario... :shocked: :th_uhoh2: :rofl:

The closest I've ever attempted to read to tentacle porn was Hogwarts/Giant Squid; I was curious to see how the hell someone could write a story with those as the main characters, but... yeah, ew. Don't do that. :rofl:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:20 am 
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PhoenixRising wrote:
OH....NO! Just...no. I do not want to read the word slithering in my smut because then I'll think about snakes and sex and snakes do NOT go together in any capacity whatsoever.

Just...NO!


Why am I not surprised that we have the same thoughts and the same reaction. We are twin sisters of different parents! :heartsthree: :yesyes:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:51 pm 
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http://www.selfishmother.com/15-fantast ... s-for-sex/

Just say no, kids. I'm dying... :lol2:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 5:22 am 
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I don't know whether this strictly fits in this thread, but they made me laugh. I was talking to Sherry about Fibbs, and how they'd relate in a kind of grumpy old men/FWB/basically married scenario. I don't know if this is proof I should never, ever write Fibbs or if this is painfully realistic, but either way it makes me laugh:

Quote:
"Tobias, what the fuck are you doing? It's a blow job, not a kneel down there and look at my cock like it's gonna bite you job..."

"Damnit, Jethro, handjobs are not that hard, just pretend it's yours and jerk the damn thing off!"

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 1:14 pm 
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Another moment where it doesn't fit this thread exactly but this is where I think the people who will find it amusing will see it and the people liable to be offended won't.

I went to write "Yes, absolutely" in an email, and I got as far as "Yes, a-" and the first alternative autocorrect offered me was... "anal." :th_uhoh2: :lol2: Thanks, autocorrect, that's... useful.

(I mean, in fairness to autocorrect I have been writing more slash recently/discussing said slash with a friend, but I'm about 1,000,000% sure that I have not used the word "anal" so often that it should be autocorrect's "go to" word for the letter A ffs :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: ermahgerd, autocorrect, get your mind out the gutter!)

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 4:42 pm 
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I feel like autocorrect is trying tell me something today - I just wrote "I really honestly just loved writing" and it guessed my next word was going to be "smut"... :th_uhoh2: :rofl:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 12:58 pm 
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Twice today I've written "I (SO) WANT TO READ" and autocorrect has offered me "SMUT" as the next word. Autocorrect seems to have become very judgemental of late...

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 1:12 pm 
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I think it's just psychic and reading your mind. ;D

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 2:11 pm 
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:P :lol2: this is possible, in fairness... :rofl: Keeps cracking me up, though!

(The other, less explicable correction it keeps doing is much less amusing and very odd - every time I right brave, which I've done a lot recently, it tries to change it to brace, a word I seldom use...)

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 7:22 am 
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One under the heading of "Oh, and you were doing so well..."

In the middle of a sex scene, please do not refer to one of the protagonists as 'the bestselling author' :lol2: :banghead: :lol2: Wow, that killed the mood dead, dead, dead.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:54 am 
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*groans in pain*

Really? Really?! Whyyyyyy?!

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2017 3:59 pm 
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I DO NOT KNOW. THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST BITS OF EPITHETTERY I HAVE SEEN IN FOREVER.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2017 3:34 pm 
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flootzavut wrote:
One under the heading of "Oh, and you were doing so well..."

In the middle of a sex scene, please do not refer to one of the protagonists as 'the bestselling author' :lol2: :banghead: :lol2: Wow, that killed the mood dead, dead, dead.


Wow, really? Is their lover having sex with the 'bestselling author' or (person's name)? Is this writer really convinced this is a great way to refer to someone during sex? Bad enough to call the person 'the handsome man' or the 'beautiful woman' -- which would be utterly depersonalizing... but this? (speechless)

As turn-offs go, that is only beaten by {a bridegroom who shall not be named}, saying in glowing terms: "I never dreamed I would be marrying (famous person)'s daughter." This was said to his wife-to-be on the eve of their wedding. Yes, he really said that! No, it was not a portent for good things!

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2017 5:59 pm 
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I only wish I was making it up :lol2: :banghead: :lol2: I have long since discovered most people are not open to even the most constructive criticism, so I rarely offer it unless someone asks, but egads, that is the worst epithet in the least appropriate place I've seen in a long while. I mean, unless the character is actually seducing their lover by means of their NYT sales this past week (unlikely, but I concede, possible), using “the bestselling author” in a love scene is never appropriate.

(No, that was not the case here, sad to say. And while it wasn't award winning, up to that point they'd really been doing quite well, which made the sudden random epithet even more jarring.)

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:15 pm 
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"It is not long before the Oncoming Storm is weaving its wicked wind into every crevass of her body, surging through her like she has a sign up advertising vacancy and he has the most irrefutable bid."

... :rofl: a friend just sent me this AND I AM DYING OMG. I am not sure, but I think this might be the worst sex-related simile I've ever read. I am CRYING WITH LAUGHTER!

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:17 pm 
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Ugh, I can't un-read that. It's funny, I just wrote smut earlier today and I really hope I didn't write anything that ridiculous. *goes to check*

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:13 pm 
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oh.... and dear.... :bounce:

is there a vomit smiley?

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:44 am 
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I ended up finding and reading the whole story (in that "cannot look away" horror that some stories provoke), and it was just... awful. Like... so bad I honestly wonder if it's some very sophisticated trolling. I think comparing a character's body to real estate was probably the most painful moment, but it had genuine competition.

The sad thing is, I really got the impression the author was trying *really* hard, but they just kept picking THE most unfortunate similes, metaphors and turns of phrase, to the point where it was just jaw-droppingly awful. I think it's a lesson in how trying to be too original and new and using words no one has ever before used in a sex scene does not necessarily = good. There's a reason we don't usually evoke estate agency when we write smut :no: Just don't do it, kids.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:27 am 
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You do read some truly terrible stuff. I've been fortunate to not come across anything that bad.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 3:47 pm 
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A friend sent it to me and apparently I have an overdeveloped sense of morbid curiosity.

I mean... it was hilarious. I laughed really, really hard! It was about as hot as a tooth extraction, but it was bloody funny :evillaugh:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:41 am 
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probably right out of context but I found this interesting

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/ ... ornography

In art and literature, why is the study of sexuality relegated to a lesser status than an exploration of emotions? And why are good sex scenes notoriously difficult to write?

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 5:59 am 
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Further adventures with autocorrect: I write "his" and autocorrect guesses my next word will be "crotch" :shocked: :rofl:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:13 am 
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flootzavut wrote:
Further adventures with autocorrect: I write "his" and autocorrect guesses my next word will be "crotch" :shocked: :rofl:


;D :rofl:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:36 am 
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Just how often are you writing those 2 words together anyway? :lol2:

And more importantly, why have I not had any to read lately? :P

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 10:53 am 
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i have finally joined the joyous menagerie of people with smart phones and therefore am experiencing autocorrect... it's only been a handful of hours playing around and I did NOT use any charged language before 'anal' showed up as one of my choices for something completely not sexual. i'm soooo glad I wasn't hurrying to post anything.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 3:23 pm 
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SEE IT ISN'T JUST ME AUTOCORRECT IS A MISCHIEVOUS LITTLE SOD!!!

Glad I made you laugh, Andrea! It seems to be my lot in life...

I have been caught up in beta-reading/line-editing a friend's novel, but I fiiiinally finished that this week so I'm back in the land of actually-writing-stuff. I... honestly don't remember what I have or haven't sent you of late, Shay, so I'll have a rummage and see what I can find.

(I honestly don't think I've written "his crotch" THAT MUCH; I swear autocorrect just has a dirty mind.

That and an obsession with lesbians, it offers me lesbian on an almost-daily basis, and I honestly think I use the word more telling people "Hey, you'll never guess what autocorrect tried to make me write" than I do using it to describe gay women. Weird but true.)

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:09 am 
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The word "penis" seems to be a favorite with my autocorrect... :lol2:

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 12:08 pm 
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:lol2: Seriously, my best explanation is that whoever does the programming is a little mischievous. I'm sure it picks up on some of my writing habits, but there's no way it can all be attributed to that.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 5:34 pm 
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I realise this is supposed to be metaphorical, but way to put the most bizarre mental image in my head:

"his dick is spinning in circles between the two of them, a compass point between two equal magnetic compulsions"

:th_uhoh2: I feel like, if you find yourself writing about a spinning dick, you maybe need to rethink your metaphor :inquisitive:

From the same story:

"The molecules of them offered in homage to their passion and pleasure."

Trying wayyyyy too hard, here.

The thing that made it sad was that the premise was good, and besides the weird unfortunate sex metaphors, the execution was all right. But what will stay with me? The weird unfortunate sex metaphors.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 5:27 pm 
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flootzavut wrote:
:lol2: Seriously, my best explanation is that whoever does the programming is a little mischievous. I'm sure it picks up on some of my writing habits, but there's no way it can all be attributed to that.


maybe it's based on frequency of use... and the internet... is for porn. A lot of people look up (and therefore type) things of a sexual nature. So if it is crowd sourcing... we are all in trouble - and that is before you add all those randy woman writers!

(though according to Forbes, it's not as much for porn as some people think! :dancing: )
How much of the internet is actually for porn?

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:46 am 
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The latest faux pas I've seen in the world of smut. Two different stories, but two images that are wildly unsexy...

"[His] climax tears through him like a blunt knife."

"... their tongues stabbed and thrust..."

Stabbing? Blunt knives?? I realise sexual metaphors can get violent sometimes, but there's a line, and these crossed it :shocked: They don't strike me as sexy, they make me want to cross my legs and cover my mouth for protection :-/

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:09 am 
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I agree. That's awful.

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 Post subject: Re: How not to smut...
PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 12:15 am 
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flootzavut wrote:
The latest faux pas I've seen in the world of smut. Two different stories, but two images that are wildly unsexy...

"[His] climax tears through him like a blunt knife."

"... their tongues stabbed and thrust..."

Stabbing? Blunt knives?? I realise sexual metaphors can get violent sometimes, but there's a line, and these crossed it :shocked: They don't strike me as sexy, they make me want to cross my legs and cover my mouth for protection :-/


No. And OUCH. :banghead:

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