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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:23 pm 
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One-shot. Comments welcome here!


Bad Feeling
by channelD



written for: Kayleigh, as a Haiti Relief ficlet (which has run a bit over). Thanks for your donation!
rating: FR13
characters: The team
genre: crack!fic
warning: character death
prompt: Kayleigh said she wanted a crack!fic with character death. You know that the latter is uncharted territory for me, but I enjoy the former. Let’s see what happens!

- - - - -

“Did you ever get the feeling…” Tony asked, in an ominous tone, “that you were being…”

“Being what?” Ziva asked when he did not finish the sentence. “ ‘Watched?’ ‘Followed?’ ‘Quoted?’ ”

Tim looked up, half-grinning. “ ‘Poisoned?’ ‘Pinched?’ ‘Pursued by rabbits?’ ”

“Maybe all of those,” Tony murmured, a sign that he hadn’t really paid attention. “I just get the feeling that there’s something…out there. Out to get us. This might be our final chapter.”

“What; are you an author now?” Tim jibed.

“Write it up later,” Gibbs ordered, hanging up his phone. “Dead petty officer—”

“—in Rock Creek Park,” the other three finished for him.

“Now that’s eerie,” said Tony.

- - - - -

The dead petty officer in Rock Creek Park turned out to be an immaculately detailed mannequin dressed as a petty officer. “Threat…or menace?” Jimmy intoned as he cheerfully tossed the figure into the Autopsy van.

“Don’t you start,” said Tony. “This day seems woo-woo enough, and it isn’t over yet.”

“And we’re late for lunch,” said Gibbs. “Let’s grab something at that supermarket down the road.”

- - - - -

It was a well-kept secret, never caught by the cameras, that Gibbs believed in sticking to a regular lunchtime, no matter what the crime scene. At a discrete signal, he’d send his people away by ones or twos to sneak off and grab a sandwich or even a full meal. He would do likewise. Regular hours kept them all healthy, he reasoned.

At the megalo-supermarket, Ziva longingly eyed tins of sardines in one aisle while Gibbs felt like a kid again in the aisle labeled Peanut Butter/Jelly/Bread/Marshmallow Fluff. Just add butter, cinnamon sugar, Swiss cheese, ham, lettuce, tomato, and a pickle, and you’d have one heckuva sandwich, although if it could be toasted (and with a cherry on top), that would be even better.

Tony came around the corner. “We should get out of here, boss,” he said, “This place gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“You spent too much time in the bathroom fixtures aisle, Tony,” Gibbs scoffed. “You know that most household accidents occur in the bathtub.”

“I know, boss, but—”

There was a loud Crash! and Ziva was heard to cry out, “McGee! No!!” The two men raced up and down 27 aisles, following the sound of her voice. Finally they came to the seafood aisle, where Tim lay on the floor in a pool of water, broken glass, and a few dozen lobsters; two of which had come free of the bands around their claws and were savagely attacking their interloper.

“No…no…” Ziva sobbed, trying to pull away the savage crustaceans, but Gibbs and Tony could see it was too late. One or more had already gone for the jugular. “He was trying to reach a jar of pickled chocolate for me, from that top shelf,” Ziva said, stealing Gibbs’ handkerchief to blow her nose. “And he fell backwards, onto the tank…”

“Oh, crap. McGee…” Tony was stunned.

Ducky raced in. “Help! Jimmy was checking on the stability of the mannequin in the van, when the van lurched and one of the mannequin’s medals pierced Jimmy’s hand. I had no idea he was allergic to gold plating…What happened to McGee?”

“He’s dead, Duck,” Gibbs said soberly.

“At the same time as Jimmy?! I don’t believe in coincidences, Jethro!”

“That’s my line, and don’t you start.”

Ziva stood up, the jar of pickled chocolate in hand. “All this senseless waste of life because of my love of brine-soaked cocoa.” She made a move to dash the glass jar on the floor, over the others’ objections, when suddenly a team of ninjas wearing supermarket aprons came out of the breakfast cereal aisle and stole the jar from her. In hot pursuit she took off.

Too surprised to move, Gibbs and Tony didn’t act until there was an explosion. They followed it to the bakery section, where Ziva and the ninjas had become entangled in a giant bread maker, causing it have become overstuffed and having no place for the gases to go. There would be no more apple turnovers for the former Mossad agent.

As Tony and Gibbs stood, sorrowing, Ducky came up. “Good heavens, people!” he snapped, assessing the situation. “I had enough work to do already!”

“Clean up on aisle 16,” came a voice on the loudspeaker.

- - - - -

Tony was silent on the ride back to NCIS. Ziva…McGee…Palmer…all dead! Just as he’d prophesized!

Who would be next???

Gibbs left him in the squad room to type up a report while he went up to see Vance.

Three hours went by, and Gibbs had not returned. When Vance appeared in the squad room, looking for him, Tony was shocked. The same idea struck them: Gibbs’ office!

Sure enough, the elevator was stuck between floors. When Maintenance got the doors pried open, they found Gibbs…what was left of him. Evidently in his sorrow over losing 2/3 of his team, plus Jimmy, he’d head slapped himself to death.

“Oh, boss,” sighed Tony, tears starting to fall.

Vance was immediately on the phone to Ducky. The ME’s voice carried. “This better not be another one, Director! If it is, I shall demand a pay raise.”

“Uh, false alarm, Ducky. Never mind,” said Vance, hanging up and muttering something about the budget. “DiNozzo, can you just, um, prop him up at his desk until tomorrow?”

- - - - -

What use is it in going to work, Tony wondered the next morning, if all of his team was gone? But Vance had said nothing about not coming in. No funeral plans yet. No…nothing. It had just been, “Go home, DiNozzo.”

So he had. He arrived back at work just under the wire.

Gibbs, Ziva and McGee were all at their desks, hard at work.

“You’re…you’re…”

“We are what, Tony?” Ziva asked patiently.

“You’re…not dead?”

Tim snorted. “Just because you had paranoid, crack!fic fantasies yesterday? Yes, I slipped and fell in the supermarket, and a lobster nipped me on the neck, but it’s not likely to even leave a scar.”

“And I inhaled much carbon dioxide from the rising bread dough, but it is a nice scent,” Ziva put in.

“And you, boss?”

“It’ll take more head knocks than that to kill me,” Gibbs said gruffly.

“But…but…well, what about Palmer, then?”

“Ducky put a bandage on his finger and gave him a sugar-free lollipop. He’s happy enough.”

“But that’s impossible! You and you and you and Palmer were all dead!! I saw you all, dead!! Ducky—”

Gibbs took a sip of coffee. “Vance blinked, and gave Ducky his raise.”

Tony sat down slowly, not sure whether to feel relieved, or whether he had entered…The NCIS Zone.


Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…


-END-

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:30 pm 
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My mind! It boggles! :shocked: Only you, Pam, could kill off over half the cast and have it be funny as all get out. :bubbles: I love it! Now, all we need is Rod Serling doing the voiceover. ;D

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:43 pm 
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:bwah: Brava, dear! This was magnificent! ;D

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:43 pm 
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Thank you! :)

The doorway into outer space welcomes you (and you, and you, and you...) ;D

I thought about having a Serling-esque introduction, but was afraid that would give it away. 8-)

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:44 pm 
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:bwah:

Aww, poor Tony. I think we've all had days like that (maybe not quite like that); those days when you feel the world is out to get you. Or the lobsters. :th_uhoh2:. Best. Ending. Ever. :thud:

Absolutely fantastic. ;D :clap:

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:46 pm 
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Thanks, Barbara! It was fun to write. :madhop:

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:47 pm 
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I'm so glad you liked it, Kayleigh, since this was for you.

I really tried to write a character death...but I couldn't. They had to come back to life.

(Or did they...? :thinking: ) ;D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:04 am 
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OMG. I can't breathe. Oh, goodness. That was too too funny. ;D I was like, "Noooooo, she killed McGee!" and then you killed Palmer! and then Ziva! And it was just too much. And then they were all at work again and I wasn't sure what the heck was going on. :P Pickled chocolate! :rofl: Oh, goodness. I don't know where you come up with these things, but please don't stop. ;D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:12 am 
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Thank you, thank you. :curtsey:

I liked the pickled chocoloate, too. Once my mind turns to crack!fic, it can be hard to stop. ;D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:24 am 
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Thanks for bringing them back to life, Pam. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to character deaths. (Although you had me laughing out loud at the idea of Gibbs head-slapping himself to death in the elevator, and that was when I still thought it was all legit. So you have dangerous powers. I'm glad you use them for good.)

What an amazing imagination you have. Well done!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:28 am 
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Thanks, Nat! I don't really care for character deaths, either. If I wrote a real character death, I'd feel like I had blood on my hands. :P So, only in the name of fun, and when they aren't really dead, can I do it. :)

I'm glad you liked it! :D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 1:32 pm 
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:rofl: Loved it! Who knew crack!fic and character death could mix ;D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 1:56 pm 
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They should mix more often. ;D

There was a wonderful movie from *runs to check IMDB* 1978 called Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe? It's a captivating black comedy/mystery tale with chefs going out in suitable (for their specialties) deaths. George Segal and Jacqueline Bisset were in it. I highly recommend it. I draw crack!fic inspiration from movies like that and Airplane!. :D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:07 pm 
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Oh... My... God... I can't stop laughing. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I bow to the crackfic master.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:12 pm 
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:lol2: That are some very creative ways to die!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:20 pm 
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Thank you both! I had fun writing this. :D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:41 pm 
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I can't believe I finally found someone else who has even heard of that movie!!! I swear I actually wondered if it truly existed! I loved that movie! I haven't been able to track down a copy, so haven't seen it in years but I love dark humor like that...

Anyhoo, loved this story. CrackDeath!Fic, the next frontier! The “Clean up on aisle 16,” line was the one that totally got me. *snicker*.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:53 pm 
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Maybe we should have a crack!fic!death challenge. :D

Zak, when I was on IMDB earlier today it looks like the DVD is available through amazon.com. I know I want one! :yes:

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 4:10 pm 
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That's awesome. I will have to order one--I haven't looked in a long time, but I know a few years back it was nowhere to be found...I seriously was wondering if I "made it up" in my head (taht would totally be something I would do...I have a bit of an overactive imagination sometimes ;) )

I love Crack!Death. One of my favorite silly stories that I ever wrote I had like the most long drawn out ridiculous death...hmmm...perhaps it's time to try to outdo that one...:P

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 5:10 pm 
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So many wonderful laugh-out loud moments in this!! :bwah: Lobsters, ninjas, bread dough…most of Gibbs’ team ‘dead’ yet Ducky still gets his pay rise…and as for Jimmy with a sugar free lollipop!!! Absolutely amazing!!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 7:12 pm 
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OMG, if someone did a crack!fic!death challenge, I would SO enter that. ;D Makes me think of my fic I Know They Say Looks Can Kill . . . (Hint: A major part of the story is Abby's hugs. ;D) Oh, God, that was fun. ;D

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 7:17 pm 
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Thanks, Mad! Ducky got his pay raise for bringing the team back. Maybe. Maybe not. ;D

Sherry, I might offer it as a challenge, but I might want to enter it myself. I'll think about it. (But if anyone wants to adopt it, be my guest!)

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 7:21 pm 
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Yeah, we need to have someone who likes to read crack!fic make it . . . but not one of the people who really likes to write crack!fic. ;D LOL. I haven't written crack!death in awhile, so I think it's about time it happen again.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 10:03 pm 
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I love to read crack!fic, and I don't have any challenges right now. But I also love to write it. But I haven't been writing much lately and have tons on my plate right now.

I think I'll offer it as a challenge, if no one has by the time I go to the Active Challenges area. :)

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:07 pm 
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That would be super if you want to do that, Barbara! :dancing:

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:28 am 
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Boy, when you do character death, you don't mess around! :clap:

My favorite line: “All this senseless waste of life because of my love of brine-soaked cocoa.” :lol2: I wish I could find a way to work that into everyday conversation.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:38 am 
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:bwah: Try hard, Keys. I'm sure you can work it in. ;D

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:40 am 
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:51 am 
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Oh, go ahead. :teasing-poke:

Life is too short to not have fun. ;D

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:55 am 
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:lol2: That was so awesome, so many creative ways to die. I especially like the Gibbs one, and Ducky asking for a pay raise if it's another one.

“Uh, false alarm, Ducky. Never mind,” said Vance, hanging up and muttering something about the budget. “DiNozzo, can you just, um, prop him up at his desk until tomorrow?” :rofl: That's so morbid, I love it!

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"Oh let me guess, I get killed."
"Kill you? Eh, no. Don't be obvious. I mean I'm going to kill you anyway someday. I don't want to rush it though. I'm saving it up for something special. No no no. If you don't stop prying I will burn you. I will burn the heart out of you."
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:02 am 
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;D Morbid, but practical.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:47 pm 
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"That's my line...and dont you start." Literally cracked me up!!! :)

This was too much!! Lol.

Awesome ending too!! Priceless!!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:57 pm 
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Aliases: Black-Hearted Nell
Gender: Female
Flag: Image
Glad you liked it, Heather! ;D It was fun to write.

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